Plane Away

When taking a major trip by car it is quite common having the vehicle checked out by a mechanic before hitting the road. You may present him with a list of things and sounds you don't trust, need a check up or are due for replacement.

The same goes for pilots, only they usually fill out a so called 'gripe sheet' after the flight, upon which mechanics look in to the problem and fix it. Those corrections are noted on the same sheet and returned to the pilots before the next flight.

One of the major package delivery services has this policy and below you read some real, true maintenance complaints submitted by their pilots (P) and the repairs and solutions recorded (S) by the mechanics.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.

I wonder if the pilots gained more confidence flying their aircraft after the engineers planed away their 'gripes'.